The Glass is Broken
Intellectually, I understand that I’m the broken one. I understand that depression, anxiety, and mental illness in general color the way the sufferer sees and interprets the world. I know that that truth of reality may well lie somewhere out of the scope of my perception. Unfortunately, this knowledge doesn’t change the cloud that hangs over my vision every day that I wake up in this reality.
I write this not to discourage anyone but to do the only thing that I can do: Describe the world as I see it, and hope that I can at least convey to you the mindset of a person with severe depression so that you can recognize it for what it is. I don’t want to be a negative person. I don’t want this fog of war that obscures every aspect of my life. Here’s a glimpse into my view of the world. May it help you understand your loved ones in similar situations.
Nearly every day I wake up to the unhinged twitter rantings of our president as he seemingly spirals out of control over Russia. It doesn’t instill the same twisted gleefulness within me that it used to. In my mind and many others’, it used to represent the eventual implosion of his presidency. It might still do that, but it feels as if that doesn’t really matter one way or the other at this point. I mean we’re going to be stuck with President Pence who is pretty much Monseigneur Claude Frollo only more evil.
The massive protests against Trump’s travel ban used to inspire a twinge of hope deep inside of me, but seeing the SCOTUS all but kowtow to his ban until they hear arguments in October has rendered that null and void. The reality that the SCOTUS has been reshaped for a generation and leans conservative, with the terrifying reality of that only becoming an absolute majority during Trump’s (or Pence’s) reign leaves me with little hope for the future of the court.
Furthermore, the reality is that Democrats don’t show up for midterm elections. I know these are extraordinary times, but statistics aren’t on our side and facts are about all I can accept right now. This doesn’t even touch on the fact that the party is too busy attacking each other and letting far left all or nothing extremists rip the party to shreds. Also there’s that whole gerrymandering thing. Again, I see little reason to hope.
The ACA is about to be struck down by a craven GOP that is cartoonishly evil, replaced with tax cuts for the bloated billionaires that Trump rubs elbows with.
I see other people fighting and resisting and it gives me no hope. I admire them in the same way I admire someone fighting a losing battle because they know they are the moral victor and value going out with a bang. Worse yet, I see people laughing, having fun and going on with their lives. For me, the world is frozen and there only exists..the horribleness. If I read the news or twitter, I’m consumed by the cacophony of evil assaulting our institutions, health, and livelihood. If I don’t, I’m frozen. I sit staring off into space, waiting for another cosmic shoe to drop.
The best way I can convey to you the way I see our currently reality are with these images.
On the left, the world trending free of any sort of tunnel vision. Harry Potter is apparently 20 years old now. I used to love that book series. On the right, me. That’s all that matters to me. That’s all I can think about or focus on. The horrible nature of our reality. That other things exist doesn’t seem to matter at all to me most of the time.
I suffer from mental illness. I have caring doctors and therapists. I’m lucky to be able to afford that care. I still battle demons every day, regardless. They seem as strong as they’ve ever been. The truth is, I saw Trump coming. I did my part to try and prevent it, and it wasn’t enough. The election broke me into a thousand pieces. I want to be a strong ally that stands up and fights but every day I feel as if the weight of the world on my shoulders gets heavier.
I don’t have a positive outlook. I don’t know that I ever will again. But if you have a person in your life like me, don’t judge them too harshly. We all have to practice self care, and yes sometimes that means people like me are toxic. If you have the ability to withstand it, don’t reject us for our negativity and defeatism. We’re just as desperate for salvation as you. We just can’t see past the fog. Be good to one another.
